Thursday, December 13, 2012

I may be stupid ..but I know what love is.

The story of the prodigal son is over looked and over used.
It was the story, for me, that was familiar , but never mine.

Today, alot of people fuss about"reading in context", "study in context", "this story can't mean this", "can't mean that". "The bible wasn't written to you, remember its original audience."
but thats also a good way of losing what it can mean to you. ( which I do think its best to read it in context and not attach crazy meanings to things.)
but for this story, this is what I have understood.

I am a prodigal son.
You are a prodigal son.
Everyone I know is a prodigal son.

We want what we think is ours.
We are anxious
We know it all.

We want from God what we think is ours.
The future, as in, what will our job be, our paycheck, our husband and wife, our kids etc.
And then, what happens when none of that brings us pleasure?
Have you every thought about that?
What happens when all of these dreams you have don't satisfy like you romanticism them to do?
What was wrong with just being with the father?
What was wrong waiting for your inheritance at the proper time it was suppose to come?

So you do things your way and just like the wealth of the prodigal son, you are left with nothing because you done with it what youuuu wanted.

Then, you start filling your life with something that may work.
Talking about people because your insecure and it brings you peace to do so instead of facing yourself perhaps?
Filling your life with porn and numerous strangers in your bed?
Looking every day for someone to date because the idea of dating is awesome but you never learned the proper way to do so, so its left you with a terrible streak?
Drinking a lot because it helps you temporarily forget?
Starving yourself because you have control?
Cutting yourself because its a release?
Posting tweets, facebook status, blogs, and instagram photos because you think you can convince someone with your christian like posts?
Worrying yourself to sleep about whats coming after graduation because, after all, worrying a lot magically gets you a job?

oh fellow son
What if allllll those things don't satisfy you and its about the equivalent of a pig field?
 And you are willing to even eat the food of the pig then to face the pride within yourself and return home.
I like how the ESV writes it and says "a severe famine came across the land and he was in need".-Verse 14

I am the prodigal son because I see my need.
It's not even that I have pride and won't return home. Its just my squandering, spending my wealth on reckless living haunts me.
It is the ever lasting effect of sin.
Actions have consequences and sin is a sickness that is out to kill, steal, and destroy.

Is that you?
Have you returned to God and found yourself remembering what you have done with your share of the property?

Or maybe your not to that point.
Just one more of this, one more night in the mud with the pigs.
Cheesy right?

but no, its true!!!
Alot of us sit in our depression, apathy, addictions, laziness, we hide in our social media to pretend we are, when........ we aren't.
We bite and devour one another with terrible things we say to one another, and yet, no one is reaching in the mud or looking in the field for a son among pigs.
To say " hey, go home."
Thats not what we do.

Hurt people, just keep hurting people.
That is one of the lines from one of my favorite songs.
And its true.
We hurt. We hurt others.
We run and recklessly live and take on causalities.
The causality takes on a causality as well
and then we have alot of people in fields with pigs.

But the story doesn't end here.
It doesn't have to but we have a choice to make.

The Father sits and waits on the return.
And the best part is the story above the prodigal son.
The Parable of the lost coin.
When one goes astray, the whole house is turned upside down looking for it and rejoices over that one coin when it is found...

So, now you know the return will be met with a celebration.
Thats right.
Party time.

When the son is still far off... the Father runs to meet him( which in that culture, men don't run. Its weird to do so)
and embraces him.
Redeems him with the ring with the family crest.
Meaning. Here is your name back.
Everything I own is yours.
And the son trys to explain, " look, Ive been bad, I cant be your...."
and the dad is like " get em a ring, get em a coat, get a goat, throw a party" etc.

Confess in your honest words about everything you feel and think
hurts and pains
lay it out on the line in repentance
and be welcomed by God.
1 John 1:9 and Acts 3:19-20
Repentance is hard.
Moving on is hard.
Overcoming is hard.
But we can do it, because He says so.

Jesus died on the cross for our sins.
Covered past, present, and future.
He did this to demonstrate His love for you.
And when you couldn't and still can't, lift a finger to salvation to save yourself, He says "your deeds and being good isn't good enough" and says ......"but my grace is sufficient."
"And I will save you because I am love."
We don't deserve grace or salvation.
He just is.
He just does.

My friend.
The truth for you and I is,  we have been, we have done, we have failed, we have we have we have
but it doesn't have to be.
The Spirit wants to do a work in you and I.
You see, the gospel is not about salvation only.
No no no Francis Chain.
It is a call to be Holy for He is Holy.
It is a call to serve in the kingdom and be transformed by the King.
It is a relationship that takes time
to grow and mature.
The words of Christ needs to be hid away in our heart and practiced daily.
And as you become poor and see more of your need..
He is the father, with you son, to help you push through.

If you have any questions feel free to write me on facebook.

If you are a non-believer, may be pissed off at Jesus or angry or just never cared and something about this read made you wonder, please message me.
I would love to be apart of the work of the Holy Spirit in helping you in any way I can.

Have a great day.

Monday, November 12, 2012

I don't want to beg your pardon.

Well the sad truth is .. we don't get "re-do's" in this life
You don't have the marvelous opportunity to un- do to re-do to make things turn out a little bit different then how you wanted.

For sooo long I have hated this truth..

That every action has a re-action
You commit the action, you get the consequence.
Which, most of us love when it plays in our favor, but when it doesn't.. ohh man when it doesn't
we start regretting, becoming bitter and mad... and then the only person you have to blame is yourself, because your best friend " told ya so"

Then in this moment when you realize you are your own worst enemy, you seek comfort in your "friends"
but then you find your friends aren't so forgiven as the God they serve.
Then you decide you have no friends so you retreat within yourself and make empty promises of how alone you are going to be from now on.

So then we have:
-A consequence we don't like
-friends acting un-friendly
-the feel to be secluded and just dodge people.

Ringing true with anyone yet?

The truth is..
You can't change in other people.
The Holy Spirit in believers takes on that roll
within the lost at best you may convince them

People will be people.
People talk about people.
Yes, it is very sad but they do.
Remember that re-action I was talking about?
Face it, its reality.

In my last blog I talked about not allowing some people to be your friend.
How you should only surround yourself with a certain group of people..

Well, I retract that.
Christ loved us and identified with sinners to the point of the cross in which He became sin( 2Cor5:21)
There is no measure.
And in John 15, He calls us friend.

Don't let reactions become the reason you become bitter and hard hearted.
In Gen 6 God says He knows the heart of man and it does evil continually.
People believe only what they perceive
No matter what healing is going on in your life or the small changes no one see's, they will believe what their eyes show them.
So if your broken inside and you have a hard time dealing with people, oh well, people think your fake.

Don't let that attitude rule you.
Remember friendships aren't based off quantity
its quality

If you are having a hard time forgiving yourself, look at Titus 3:4-8
He paid it.
Past, present, and future.
If it was good enough for Him, then it needs to be for you.
If your sin is a routine, then seek help.
If you have trust issues, find a counselor, someone you don't know.

It takes time to grow friend.
Trees don't become full out oaks over night.
Roots have to dig, be watered etc.

For people.
Love them
Christ does.
For yourself
forgive yourself, Christ did.
For future actions, slow down, baby steps, walk, seek guidance, guard your heart.
I promise you.... no one is getting everything right.

This is for you action and reaction person
for your bitterness
for you who have done and done and feel empty.
Be encouraged, spring comes after winter!!!!!

As usual, I do not proof read these..
excuse any typo's please.
Also, if you have any questions, anything thats not clear or you would like more info, write me on facebook and it would be my delight to tell you how I'm overcoming or working through these things.
Life is about helping one another.
Lets grow together.

Thursday, October 11, 2012

if it makes you ... happy.

I never thought being a "idealist" would ever become a problem.
I assume because of my young age fading away and this new man I'm becoming, I'm starting to see how things really are.
That sounds major cliché and to..... hmmm.... bloggy ?
To bloggy?
Eh, its truth.

I'm starting to see the scriptures in a new light.
I'm developing my own opinions that I can stand on, backed with Biblical truth.
I'm transferring head knowledge to heart knowledge, and heart knowledge to my new lifestyle.
Which is what I'm getting too.

A few weeks ago I received the best advice I have ever received but only this time I really received it.
Someone of much importance to me said " Cameron, there was one perfect man, we don't need another one. Be around those that you like and enjoy, because you CAN NOT like everyone."

I was beside myself.
Me, not like everyone?!?!
The scripture is so straight forward on loving others!!!!
We must, I must, its my job.....

Its then very very clear.
Loving people isn't my job.
It is my freedom.
It is my response to God and my love for Him first, me second, and then my neighbor( Luke 10:27)
My relationship and what it produces is never a job..
Its never have too's
Its never my identity
My identity is a beloved son of Christ.
Then upon understanding that, I respond in whatever Biblical truths that I see.

Now this saying this person told me.
I've been practicing it.
I hang out with only those I trust and love.
Those that I can confide in.
Because reality is, in this life, you WILL meet people you don't like and don't vibe with, and its okay to not stress yourself trying to get them to like you.
Why would you?
Apart of loving yourself is respecting yourself as well.
Why is this such a forgotten practice in the church?
Argue all you want with this but God set it up where we love Him first, then our neighbor as ourself.
Meaning, we come second.
If the vertical relationship is crap, then our horizontal relationships with be crap.
And what would you expect to pour out anyway if you have nothing to give.
Someone once told me our cup needs to always be empty......
Jesus in Mark 1 after a longggggg tiring day of healing, teaching, and hanging out went and prayed.
Jesus has full reliance on God, He goes and meets with His Father.
For He can only do what He sees the Father doing.
"If you need more scripture on this, facebook me, for time sake I'm going to continue writing."
Did Christ need Him some refreshment time with the Father and some strength?
And He always came back to the bro 12.
Always ended up with those dudes at the end of the day....

As I take off the unnecessary  strains of my use to be daily grinds, I'm experiencing a new freedom in Christ Jesus.
But this is a cross country run.... I must pace myself....
Little by little I grow in knowledge and grace.
I won't wake up and have it all together
I won't get it all together tomorrow, but in Gods grace, I continue to grow.

I'm doing the things that make me healthy.
Being around and pouring into the ones that are real friends to me is the best and most delight I could ever have.
Seeing them grow is such a joy.
Running around meeting tons of new folks and sharing my personal life with them is just not who I am anymore.
Depending on circumstance though
The reality is we live in a fallen world.
And not everyone who claims to be your brother and sister in Christ can be trusted, I'm sorry but its true.
They will talk about you, judge you, and never care to help you.
Its ugly but true..
But we all have sin...
and the sad thing is not all of us are pressing on to change.
The coffee shop christianity is a safe one, and many won't choose to leave.

Gosh, time for class already.

That was my rant for today.
Go in peace and grace.

Monday, September 24, 2012

The focus is all wrong.

It isn't about your regret.
Not about your twinge of emotions today.
Not about you should have done this
or why did I do that?
It isn't how will I ever be fixed
Will I ever get better?
It is not about un-digging your past all in one setting.
It is not about bringing it up and harboring on it all day.

But what it is about, is Jesus.
His saving
His personality
His ability
His kindness
His grace
How He lead you the whole time with hands of a Father
How in union with Him, and only when in union with Him, you experience the attributes of Him.

It's about being obedient because He was to the Father.
No matter how much you don't feel like it or how bad it hurts.
Obedience because salvation is about taking Jesus as LORD
Meaning you will follow, you will labor, and you will experience.
His commands aren't burdensome.
They are filled with Spirit and life.
It isn't working to earn a wage, it is a free gift offered.

Jesus in no way had to use people...
but that was the reason He came
to identify with sinners, in whom you may feel like the worst today
but He called tax collectors
He used normal men to be apart of the water to wine miracle
but in the moment they weren't just normal men.

So today, we are not self defeatist
We are victors
We walk in the promise, a promise that has eternal value.
All things will pass away, but the word of God....

Monday, September 3, 2012

Down in the valley or up on the hill, safe is safe with me, my dear.

Exodus 20:4-5

What a great opener to Gods speech to His people.
"For I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God"

For a people who knew nothing but slavery.
For a people dreaming of freedom.
For a people crying out for rescue( Ex 2:24)
For a people that felt helpless and hopeless.

Have you ever wanted to be wanted?
I'm sure you have, we are but human, but I'm talking about by people who actually use to want you?
Do you ever find yourself wishing someone would call you or text you to hang out?
That use to not be a problem of mine.
I use to be and am currently getting back to, being personal.
All I wanted to do was hang out and talk with people.
Never for my own glory or to advance my name, it was just who I was.
Until depression came and stripped me of my personality.
It was hard for me to keep friendships and grow with people because I was so burned out and apathetic that I really didn't care to try with people.
But thats another story.

I have a best friend named Samuel Bragg.
Hands down, best dude I've ever met.
Tall, strong, silent, smart, personable, loving, disciplined, sensitive, aware, steady etc.
This guy is a mountain. Legit.
He transfered to MS State
a year after me.
At NEMCC( community college) we were inseparable.
Every summer, every weekend.
Sam and Cam was known through the land.
Upon arrival to State I was so excited I introduced him to everyone I ever came in contact with.
So between me doing that and he meeting folks on his own you can only image such a man become a pop icon and the hottest item on campus.
The guy blew up.
Became one of the most popular sensations over night.
When you have a real heart for the Lord, it happens.
Thus, that ended up cutting back our time of hanging out.
I was hurt, devastated, because I'm sensitive and emotional.
I felt abandoned and ditched.
I felt unwanted.
With depression I felt I lost my only friend.

I often have moments where I would look around and realize I have no friends.
I went from someone who was invited to every hang out ever, to on weekends sitting at home writing songs.

Another similar cause happened with a old mentor of mine.
I use to fight for his approval.
I was striving to be a man of God and I wanted so bad for him to notice.
I wanted to be just like him, because this guy is a rock, I mean he knows his stuff, he is solid.
He always knows the right things to say... I'm pretty convinced God tells him the secrets of life!
We use to chat alot but that got reduced because life happens.
But I felt after awhile when we wouldn't talk or catch up that I wore him out from always needing him to help me in life.
I was very self reliant on him, after all, he was the first person to come along and teach me what a man of God looks like and lives like.

So, how did I get to all of this?
Jealousy. Envy.
Last night, I went to my mentors church ( see I told you the guy knows everything)
He spoke on jealousy and envy.
Its an ugly sin.
Its saying " Hey God, you owe me."

From recovering with depression I see that this has been a problem of mine.
As I recover I keep praying God, give me my personality back, help me to love people again. I want to be comfortable talking to everyone.
Cause sometimes I'm not.
I was demanding God to give me something I thought was mine.
When it was Him that gave it to me in the first place!

I wanted to be wanted!
I wanted someone to love me and to care for me.

And its in Ex 20:4-5 I see it so clear.
The lord God is my God and is jealous!!
He wants my attention, he wants my focus, my heart, and my love.
Just like I was wanting approval and to be wanted by my friend and mentor.
In which everything is actually fine and dandy, life just gets busy sometimes.

When all along, I was wanted.
And God was wanting to give me what I wanted from others, and was wanting what I wanted.
do you see that!
God is sensitive to our needs.

Here is my post to let y'all know I'm still alive.

Be encouraged.
And simply know, You Are Wanted

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

On every page.

In the Christian community we are pretty keen on not showing our dark moments.

 It seems its the beer photos that you took with your employees on a nightly outing or maybe that big ole cigar you smoked with your closest friends to ponder your daily reads of Gods word that gets a big no no on being posted to facebook isn't to be posted or know by others.

 We are afraid that "lost" people will see them.
 Afraid that the Christian community will set fires until we know how guilty we should be for this .. "dark" moment.

 Me? I don't mind so much of sharing.... The way I see it, for of us that are a part of the body, trying to reach someone who doesn't really care much about Jesus, it's these "dark" or maybe "secretive" sins we should be most open about?

 There is a healthiness to not word vomit on people, as in not sharing to much information that hurts instead of helps. Guarding your heart while honestly sharing it.

 I have struggled with depression for 2 and a half years. I clearly remember days feeling like I hate people, rebellous thoughts against God, and thoughts of what if I ended my life, was very present. It was because I had un-repented sin and no healthiness, or stillness... peace to my walk with God. I went on an exodus.

 In Exodus, these certain people group are rescued by God.
For a while things were pretty good, then they begin to forget just who He is and what He did.

 I find this pattern in most Christians lives.

 If we are all honest we all have that habit or hang up, not making us any less loved by God or worse than anyone ... because once again if we were all honest with ourselves... we should point fingers at ourselves, instead of talking about others.

 On my journey, I am currently learning God is good and kind.
 There is a big difference in knowing in your head and knowing in your Spirit.
 Trust me... I know.
 I'm learning how to be still.
To meditate on small truths that are so strong.
 To receive from Him and give out of His abundance.
My friend Pj Beaver told me " The simple things are the strongest things."
Not love out of my ....well... none abundance.

 I'm learning joy is real.
 Truth is solid.
 Satan hates me.
And God loves me.

 Eph 2 is one of THOSE passages.
You know the kind of words that move you?
 Paul is writing a letter to these folk and in chapter 2 expresses God's grace is a gift that can' be earned, no matter how much you work. He also tells these gentile Christians that they are now one in the body of Christ. That the jewish leaders and them are of one body, the body of Christ. That they are a workmanship of Christ Jesus from the beginning.

 How wonderful.
 Now, these jewish leaders have quiet the history of being flashy with there knowledge and arrogance of being Gods chosen people.
 I can't imagine being a gentile and hearing everyday from these "perfect" people who knew the old testament back and forth and how loved and special they are because they are Gods people.. how the gentiles must of felt?
Depressed? Frustrated?
 but Paul reminds them that they are important too.

 Hmmm I am important to God as well.
And you are also.
Did you know that?
 That is the thing that defeats depression.
Knowing you have self worth in Christ.
He cares and the truth of the word is more powerful than anyyyy twisted thought in our mind.

Writing this I was going in a different direction.
 The coffee from earlier has been worn off and after teaching tonight my mind is gone. I just felt like writing.
 Due to this sudden crash I will leave with this and hope the words above made sense.

 " God is faithful, through whom you were called into fellowship with His Son, Jesus Christ our Lord." 1 Cor 1:9


Monday, May 21, 2012

By and by

It's prayers like "God, don't let me end up in hell because I thought I knew you."
or " God, help me to love people today...because what use to come so natural ....doesn't come at all anymore." Its these thoughts that scare me most about myself. Its these thoughts that make things like healing ... growing..... finding peace.... and trusting God seem very impossible to ever recover again. Its these thoughts that makes a calling a question. From a knowing that one day I would lead a I'm not sure if I should teach ever again. not because Cameron Moore is special by any means.... but because the God he loves and cares so deeply about and more importantly the Cameron that is cared for and is so special to God, wanted to pour out the joy, peace, patience, kindness, and love of Christ because he was so full. I sat through a church meeting today and thought, " what would have I thought, felt, and expressed two years ago before depression destroyed... un-repentance destroyed .. myself destroyed who I was." I use to never be angry, bitter, sad, or struggled with communication skills.... did I put to much confidence in my abilities to teach and lead? Surely not... I never once loved people, or reached people to be more liked by people. I never did it for popularity... I never sought to build my kingdom.... but I never once.... relied on the grace and strength of Christ to continue giving me the guidance and mercies I needed to continue. Maybe it was my lack of knowledge on how to pray and be alone with God. I never once learned to be still and know He was God.. but rather to stay active and love as many people as possible. Could it be that I spent most of my life and doing ministry helping others build a relationship with Jesus Christ that I completely over looked mine? Sure I did. Because loving myself, was never a priority. I often think... how will I ever love people again? It must start with loving Christ. Respecting myself enough and loving myself enough to read, seek, and be still to find this God I once taught. In my head, no one feels this way. People try to relate, but their words just fuel your flame of bitterness. I write to not open up my business to everyone.. but if I can write this and encourage one pastor, youth pastor, worship leader, or any son or daughter of Christ pondering if there will be a day where they find true rest in Christ, then it accomplished its goal. But I fear to tell you, that day may never come. Resting in God may come as we know His grace is sufficient for us in our suffering. That working all things together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose may mean that you fully understand what it means to rely on Him and trust, day by day, minute by minute, you are secure, loved, cared for, justified, by His grace, that it is all by Him and nothing you do. Then we see reading the bible isn't something we make ourselves feel good about. It is to know Him more. To know who He is. To lift Him up. Its knowing this that passages like the following becomes so clear: " As Moses lifted up the serpent in the wilderness, even so must the Son of Man be lifted up;"John3:14 John 8 also says the same things. Jesus says we will die in our sins unless we believe. Dying comes in different ways that I will not elaborate. But its the focus off our hurt and unto His healing that will save us. I have to believe for you and me both, that this Jesus died for moments like this. That He rose for moments like this. To show victory happens after death. Maybe you are still on the cross.. maybe in the grave.. but maybe, just maybe, for you and I both... the resurrection is coming. We then are completely new. New thoughts. New feeling. A real understanding of who He is and just who we are in Him. I pray for peace over you reader. Grace to be shown to you and you show it to the brother or sister who needs it today. Survive trust believe and look to the healer. Walk in Him. Crawl. Or be still. But stay close despite your distance. have a kind day.

Friday, April 13, 2012

I've spent to much time knowing, but never knowing.

I get "it."
It's clear to me now.
but while it's still clear I'm still unsure... how could I and a whole body miss "it" ?

It's clear to me after the death of Jesus the disciples that decided to walk back to their hometown must have missed what His life was really about.
Its a reality check and scary to realize that they spent their lives devoted to this man who was spoken about through the prophets, that He is the one they have been waiting for and once here they missed the purpose of why He came.
They spent a few years in scripture, devoted, in community, and missed what Jesus was about.
They missed Jesus.

Have I?
Have you?
Has everyone?

I fear it may be true.

I often say.... and I mean often that the christian community sucks at showing grace to people.
I have a past that carries weight.
One that people seem to find escaping their lips when passing on my name.
Why so?
Wouldn't we as a body, if we truly understood why He came and what He taught pass along a kind word?
Wouldn't when we speak of our christian brothers and sisters pass along the name of Jesus when speaking to someone else?
After all... after we are changed by Christ we are clothed with Him .. and adopted into His family.
We take on the name son.
Not hypocrite.
Not whore.
Not liar.
Not depressed.
Not fat.
not ugly.
But son.
for whoever it is that has experienced other names, your name, when called by Christ, confessing with your mouth and believing in your heart and saved by Christ have a new name.
Its nothing you've done.
He just renamed you.
Luckley .. your new name is
Hi new.
Hi son.

Then , because of this new name we receive it then abuse it.
I have.
You have.
Judge someone.
Become bitter toward someone and then make claims how you are right..
but I recall if you live by the sword you will die by the sword... and that is not peace.
Nor grace.
It is abuse.
All under the name of new, son.

I don't carry depression, I do not carry failed relationships. I do not carry sexual sins, I do not carry lies. I do not carry the eyes of my brothers and sisters with their stones in their hands.
I carry, the name of Jesus.
It is my name.
It is, hopefully, your name as well.
When His name looks nothing like our life, I often wondered if we've been miss-labeled
but Jesus doesn't miss label His people.

So where are you?
I ask that as in your heart.
Yes, this is a call to check yourself.

I check myself often and realize I've started a terrible fire producing many mistakes, but I honestly own them, I go honestly before REAL friends, Real grace carrying sons called new and find healing in His rest.

Its that.
In Him.

Lets not stray to far from the point because here it is.
If we really knew Jesus, don't you thinking letting go would be easy?
The bitterness, hurt, sadness, doubt, etc.
If we really grasped who He was.
I fear, like these disciples, I may have spent much of my time knowing Jesus, but never knowing Jesus.

You may know Him as lord, but never as lover
maybe always as lover, but never as lord.

I'm learning, I'm growing, I'm letting go.
I'm finding.

It is all about Jesus.
And that comes with a thousand other things to figure out.

Dear body,
Lets not live un gaceful to anyone. Everything is different when your not the one throwing stones, but having them thrown at you. Forgive, forget, repent, move on, and grow together.

I say none of these things because I have them figured out.
I just want to figure them out with you.

Saturday, March 17, 2012

22 is a lot different than 21

22 for me is going to be different than 21.
I've always held really close to 2 Corinthians5:17-18
here's what it says and why.
"Therefore, if ANYONE is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has PASSED away; behold, the NEW has come."
"All this is from God, who through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation"

I am in Christ.
First met Christ when I was 13 and have never stopped getting to know Him.
Its been the best years of dating I've ever had and can't wait till the wedding day.
So, because I'm in Christ, I am new.
New today.
I don't have to wait till 2013 to start fresh, but rather I start fresh today.
Also, I like when it says the old has passed away.
That means its gone.
It is gone.
I do not have to live in my regret, shame, depression, and hurt.
I believe because of the lifestyle I have lived that I have many regrets.
One of them being that I didn't stay in louisiana and love my kids better.
They were a wonderful group of kids, but I shut down.
I grew... apathetic, I grew depressed.. and lost all my love for people.
Its a weird feeling going from loving every stranger and enemy I met or knew, to really not caring if I deal with either anymore..
but there is a community/relational spirit that lives inside of me and its longing to love again..
its just that for so long I had my order mixed up on whom I loved first...

I first loved people
then God
then myself.

When really according to Luke 10:27-28( I'll leave it up to you to read)
I first love God
then my neighbor
and If I do these... I will live.
Until then, I will not be able to love, care, or cater to the relationships around me.

The other part of the verse I like is that it is a gift from God.
On my birthday.
What a wonderful gift and Lord willing, I'll have the same gift tomorrow.
Everyday, ..........newness.
I figured Jesus knew we would need a lot of re do's.
That some would need to wander His grace, swim in it more than others.
I feel you see some people and they just have it together, while others, like myself, must learn from mistakes and messing up.....alot.
What a wonderful gift from Christ, that He would be at me continual to wash( which takes along time, thank about how long it takes you) not a fast fix, but rather He walks with us, works with us, and we become new.
Theres you a fancy term.

I have burned some bridges.
Some relationships I straight lit on fire.
I am not proud of this.
Its one of those things in your alone time that cover your mind.
Especially with a guy that lives in my apartment complex.
He is such an amazing guy, but due to my own hurt and wounded-ness I cared little to cultivate our relationship and just let it go.

You see, I lived most of my life for the approval of people..
now it seems I live to push them away and not care
I need to find a new ground.
I believe we all do.

John the baptist is one of my favorite bible characters.
When asked if he was Jesus, he replied honestly.
He could have claimed to be the very person everyone wanted, he could have taken on the identity of the most famous person
but instead, he said, I am a voice of one crying.... I'm not worthy to touch his sandal ...

I never claimed to be Jesus.
I never claimed to be perfect or to have it all together
I just always wanted to admit to my failures and then from there try to be like Jesus.

You see, even though this is very sad, in the christian community, we(because I belong) are some of THE most judgmental, quick to point out wrong, before evaluating themselves type folks.
Yes, you are, own it.
My new favorite thing said about me is I'm a hypocrite.
Why yes, I am thank you.
But, at least I am not afraid to own my failures in the light while others hide theirs in the dark.
I do not write this with a big head or better than you tone, I simply write it as, in the christian community, we can do a lot better than this.

I believe when your brother is wrong, you help them.
Be quick to listen, read this again, listen... stop trying to fix the problem that you have yet to hear.
Don't push the word of God on them when you have yet to understand what verse they need or maybe instead a prayer.

Now this blog just sounds like a rant, be careful, it is not.

Can you relate?
is this your life?
Have you struggled with these things?
Are you beginning to overcome?
if so, how?

Feel free to share verses, maybe hold on the thoughts... less christian bs and arguing I have to read the better.
Maybe honest comments. Is this where you are now?
It is open for conversation.

I have yet to fully heal from the years past.
I do know Phil 1:6
He will finish the good work that is started in me.
Romans 8:28, He has good for you.
Psalm 25:10, all the paths of the Lord are lovingkindness and truth.... finish reading that one.

In this times may we not doubt Gods goodness, but look to see what is the point of why we are going through these times.
There is something to learn..

I long to be a pastor.
I dont want to be the most popular...
just the most God fearing, loving, relational one.

Also, be thankful
1 Thes 5: 16-18
That tends to get over looked.

I believe 22 will be alot different than 21 because of this lyrics my friend wrote and has been weighing heavy on my mind
Holy Spirit You are near
Holy Spirit You are welcomed here.

I once heard a friend tell me that every day he invites the Spirit to be apart of his day.
how beautiful.

This is where the healing begins.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Oh no no no Oh no

I don't claim the identity of Christian or Christ follower to be anything else.
If reading my bible is a responsibility then I'd rather pray and never open my eyes again.
I would never want to be the heart behind the saying " its our duty."
It is our delight.
I refuse it to be anything else.
Loving people is a gift from a bigger gift.
Christ is a big gift.
Life is a gift.
And death is natural.
I hope in my time here I can understand what it means to love and be loved by Jesus.
I hope to understand grace.
I hope to fully experience it, even with the emotions.
I hate when people opt those out.
I believe emotions come from God.
Jesus expressed them well, so don't tell me its not emotional.

I don't understand the cross.... or the good news.. gospel..
but from what I do, I know I need it and so do you and everyone else.

I won't claim to be a Christian of Christ follower and not try to look like Him.
Even in my grey days, sad days, in apathy, I'm still connected.
I do not want to know Him, I know Him.
I don't want to love Him, I love Him.

Alot of Christians always say, I need to know God, I need to love God.
Do it, live it , be it.
I hate that we don't treat this as who we are.
Stop separating it so much.
Be who you are, hopefully its like Jesus.

Turn me into someone else, someone more like Yourself.
Thats what really we need.
Belief that He cares to be connected to us and we don't have to live like He is something separate than us.
He is apart of me.
and you too.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Whatever it takes, I give it all away..

Sometimes its hard to discern how much to share or not share with the community of people that may or may not view this blog.
Being transparent and fully honest doesn't get the best re-views anymore.
But for the sake of that one who is struggling, gritting their teeth to pull through, this perhaps is for you.

Depression stricken(struck with) for 2 and a half years, an at the age of 21 seeking and receiving the proper help is what needed to happen.
I've been going to counseling.
And its not for crazy people.
What a false assumption or assertion about counseling.
It really helps to un-tangle wires that have intwined that need to be sorted out.
You see, as people, we sometimes get our feelings hurt, make a big mistake, or small one and leads to lasting affects or effects on our lives.
For instance, giving your body to someone else.
Sex is an emotional, spiritual, and psychical thing that ties 1 to 1, and then when the relationship doesn't last they are torn apart. And I personally don't know of anything that is still good after ripping apart.

We all need help.
Yes, even you.
You need help.
Its okay to say that.
Its okay to accept that.

I have found often that close friendships, people throwing verses at you, or trying to conveince yourself your okay is not merely enough to overcome depression, apathy, or sadness.

But what does help is memorizing Gods truth, which is the bible.
John 17:17
look at that.

When we start to hide His word and truth in our hearts we become better sustained.
For example:
All the paths of the Lord are lovingkindess and truth to those who keep His covenant and His testimonies. Psalm25:10

By memorizing this verse I see that All ways of the Lord are good!!!
That if I just believe and trust I will walk in His goodness.

I'm tired of writing.
ponder that
have a great day!

you are not alone in this.

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Sinking like a stone in the sea.

I should have saw it coming.
Opinions upon opinions, philosophies and shared faith
what does it mean to development a "personal faith" these days?

I've never liked the term "personal faith."
The term personal means, according to the American Webster dictionary,-of affecting, or belonging to a particular person rather than to anyone else.
I won't use a bible verse for this because I feel the whole bible references good community.
That we lived with a shared faith.
Person to person.
An open faith of looking at the word together and sharing what the Lord has placed on their heart.

I feel there is a move in the Christian community that is beautiful but can be harming if not done properly.
A very beautiful way of sharing faith that Jesus practiced everyday!
I'm so happy to see this taking place here on MSU campus!
All throughout the bakery bibles are open, coffee is hot, and people are sharing what they are learning.
Even I have the great honor of studying the word with a great friend of mine who is farther along in the faith.
But one thing he would never want me to do I feel, is to believe what he believes just because he shared it with me.

In studying the word, even with much studying, opinions are hard to shake.
Since we are interpreting something written so long ago we have lost the context of what it really meant then.

And sometimes its okay to disagree on what it means.
The guy I meet with I feel would much rather me read it to believe it for myself than for him just telling me.

In the Christian community there are many different opinions on dating, boys and girls talking about Christ together, and etc.
And sometimes we take on someone else's thoughts and believe what they believe and become a " boy hater" or " girl avoider"
We start to feel like talking about the bible with the opposite sex is bad, in which no one, with any bible verse, can back, because to my knowledge there is no such thing.

So in that moment you then aren't becoming like Jesus(rom8:29, 1john2:6) but rather like the person you study with and where is that Biblical?

I know Paul says, take after me. but I believe he meant in his lifestyle of sharing the word.

I want to encourage you to become like Jesus.
Study the word for yourself.
See what it means to you.
Join a healthy community of believers.
Share thoughts opinions etc
and pray to see the outcome of how it shapes you.

have a great day.

also, I never re read these to fix mess ups or mis spelled words, if something don't make since, try to figure it out.


Friday, January 13, 2012

Seclusion: I only read the bible alone.

Last night someone was told that reading the bible was dangerous.
I want to clear that up and maybe shine light on another topic as well...

Yes, it is very dangerous to read the bible.
Hebrews 4:12, Eph 6:17 compares the word of God to a sword cutting deep into our soul, even dividing soul.
When you read the Truth of Jesus, you will start to change and re-think how you live your life.
The bible isn't rules... I hate when that analogy is even used or a play book.
How lame.
It is a way to do life.
Not strategize it or work it into plays
it is simply, this is the way to live life.
I don't really feel the need to drag that point out.
I once heard a wonderful quote, " read what only you can obey"
Ponder that.

Also another very sad epidemic is that Christians read their bible to much alone.
Is that possible? Yup.

We were made in the imagine of a community God.
A very relational Spirit.
And a very loving Jesus.

Look at the letters to the churches.
Paul didn't just send it off and say " hey, get this letter, read it alone, and don't share."

I think about the characteristics of a letter.
First it starts with a thought in someones mind
then pen to paper
then to the readers eyes and then into their mind
Letters are meant for sharing.

2 Cor 3:3
" Since it is plain that you are Christ's letter, produced by us, not written with ink but with the Spirit of the living God; not on stone tabelts but on tablets of that are hearts of flesh."

We live what we learn.
or, we are suppose to anyways.

Your faith is personal yes, but never meant to neglect community.
Stop spending all your time hiding away to read your bible and not building relationships.
Share anything you read.
Lets look at Jesus, the very man whom we shape our life like.
He escapes to be alone to pray- John6:15
He comes back to hang out- Flip through the book of Luke.

Don't neglect relationships with people to be alone all the time with your bible.
Hang out with anyone, everyone.
Not forgetting what you read alone should be shared as well.

Short posts. Rambling thoughts.
have a great day!!