It's prayers like "God, don't let me end up in hell because I thought I knew you."
or " God, help me to love people today...because what use to come so natural ....doesn't come at all anymore."
Its these thoughts that scare me most about myself.
Its these thoughts that make things like healing ... growing..... finding peace.... and trusting God seem very impossible to ever recover again.
Its these thoughts that makes a calling a question.
From a knowing that one day I would lead a church....to I'm not sure if I should teach ever again.
not because Cameron Moore is special by any means.... but because the God he loves and cares so deeply about and more importantly the Cameron that is cared for and is so special to God, wanted to pour out the joy, peace, patience, kindness, and love of Christ because he was so full.
I sat through a church meeting today and thought, " what would have I thought, felt, and expressed two years ago before depression destroyed... un-repentance destroyed .. myself destroyed who I was."
I use to never be angry, bitter, sad, or struggled with communication skills....
did I put to much confidence in my abilities to teach and lead?
Surely not... I never once loved people, or reached people to be more liked by people.
I never did it for popularity...
I never sought to build my kingdom....
but I never once.... relied on the grace and strength of Christ to continue giving me the guidance and mercies I needed to continue.
Maybe it was my lack of knowledge on how to pray and be alone with God.
I never once learned to be still and know He was God.. but rather to stay active and love as many people as possible.
Could it be that I spent most of my life and doing ministry helping others build a relationship with Jesus Christ that I completely over looked mine?
Sure I did.
Because loving myself, was never a priority.
I often think... how will I ever love people again?
It must start with loving Christ.
Respecting myself enough and loving myself enough to read, seek, and be still to find this God I once taught.
In my head, no one feels this way.
People try to relate, but their words just fuel your flame of bitterness.
I write to not open up my business to everyone..
but if I can write this and encourage one pastor, youth pastor, worship leader, or any son or daughter of Christ pondering if there will be a day where they find true rest in Christ, then it accomplished its goal.
But I fear to tell you, that day may never come.
Resting in God may come as we know His grace is sufficient for us in our suffering.
That working all things together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose may mean that you fully understand what it means to rely on Him and trust, day by day, minute by minute, you are secure, loved, cared for, justified, by His grace, that it is all by Him and nothing you do.
Then we see reading the bible isn't something we make ourselves feel good about.
It is to know Him more.
To know who He is.
To lift Him up.
Its knowing this that passages like the following becomes so clear:
" As Moses lifted up the serpent in the wilderness, even so must the Son of Man be lifted up;"John3:14
John 8 also says the same things.
Jesus says we will die in our sins unless we believe.
Dying comes in different ways that I will not elaborate.
But its the focus off our hurt and unto His healing that will save us.
I have to believe for you and me both, that this Jesus died for moments like this.
That He rose for moments like this.
To show victory happens after death.
Maybe you are still on the cross..
maybe in the grave..
but maybe, just maybe, for you and I both... the resurrection is coming.
We then are completely new.
A real understanding of who He is and just who we are in Him.
I pray for peace over you reader.
Grace to be shown to you and you show it to the brother or sister who needs it today.
and look to the healer.
Walk in Him.
Or be still.
But stay close despite your distance.
have a kind day.