Monday, September 3, 2012

Down in the valley or up on the hill, safe is safe with me, my dear.

Exodus 20:4-5

What a great opener to Gods speech to His people.
"For I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God"

For a people who knew nothing but slavery.
For a people dreaming of freedom.
For a people crying out for rescue( Ex 2:24)
For a people that felt helpless and hopeless.

Have you ever wanted to be wanted?
I'm sure you have, we are but human, but I'm talking about by people who actually use to want you?
Do you ever find yourself wishing someone would call you or text you to hang out?
That use to not be a problem of mine.
I use to be and am currently getting back to, being personal.
All I wanted to do was hang out and talk with people.
Never for my own glory or to advance my name, it was just who I was.
Until depression came and stripped me of my personality.
It was hard for me to keep friendships and grow with people because I was so burned out and apathetic that I really didn't care to try with people.
But thats another story.

I have a best friend named Samuel Bragg.
Hands down, best dude I've ever met.
Tall, strong, silent, smart, personable, loving, disciplined, sensitive, aware, steady etc.
This guy is a mountain. Legit.
He transfered to MS State
a year after me.
At NEMCC( community college) we were inseparable.
Every summer, every weekend.
Sam and Cam was known through the land.
Upon arrival to State I was so excited I introduced him to everyone I ever came in contact with.
So between me doing that and he meeting folks on his own you can only image such a man become a pop icon and the hottest item on campus.
The guy blew up.
Became one of the most popular sensations over night.
When you have a real heart for the Lord, it happens.
Thus, that ended up cutting back our time of hanging out.
I was hurt, devastated, because I'm sensitive and emotional.
I felt abandoned and ditched.
I felt unwanted.
With depression I felt I lost my only friend.

I often have moments where I would look around and realize I have no friends.
I went from someone who was invited to every hang out ever, to on weekends sitting at home writing songs.

Another similar cause happened with a old mentor of mine.
I use to fight for his approval.
I was striving to be a man of God and I wanted so bad for him to notice.
I wanted to be just like him, because this guy is a rock, I mean he knows his stuff, he is solid.
He always knows the right things to say... I'm pretty convinced God tells him the secrets of life!
We use to chat alot but that got reduced because life happens.
But I felt after awhile when we wouldn't talk or catch up that I wore him out from always needing him to help me in life.
I was very self reliant on him, after all, he was the first person to come along and teach me what a man of God looks like and lives like.

So, how did I get to all of this?
Jealousy. Envy.
Last night, I went to my mentors church ( see I told you the guy knows everything)
He spoke on jealousy and envy.
Its an ugly sin.
Its saying " Hey God, you owe me."

From recovering with depression I see that this has been a problem of mine.
As I recover I keep praying God, give me my personality back, help me to love people again. I want to be comfortable talking to everyone.
Cause sometimes I'm not.
I was demanding God to give me something I thought was mine.
When it was Him that gave it to me in the first place!

I wanted to be wanted!
I wanted someone to love me and to care for me.

And its in Ex 20:4-5 I see it so clear.
The lord God is my God and is jealous!!
He wants my attention, he wants my focus, my heart, and my love.
Just like I was wanting approval and to be wanted by my friend and mentor.
In which everything is actually fine and dandy, life just gets busy sometimes.

When all along, I was wanted.
And God was wanting to give me what I wanted from others, and was wanting what I wanted.
do you see that!
God is sensitive to our needs.

Here is my post to let y'all know I'm still alive.

Be encouraged.
And simply know, You Are Wanted

1 comment:

  1. Can I just say that i think you're precious ? So much truth !! Your posts really touch my heart :) thanks for keepin it real bro !! you are definitely not alone. and just so you know, i think that you radiate love <3 don't be so hard on yourself - Jesus loves you and all of your flaws, and he forgives you before you can even think to apologize ! i know that probably sounds so cliche, but it's something that I always like to be reminded of :))