The focus is all wrong.

It isn't about your regret.
Not about your twinge of emotions today.
Not about you should have done this
or why did I do that?
It isn't how will I ever be fixed
Will I ever get better?
It is not about un-digging your past all in one setting.
It is not about bringing it up and harboring on it all day.

But what it is about, is Jesus.
His saving
His personality
His ability
His kindness
His grace
How He lead you the whole time with hands of a Father
How in union with Him, and only when in union with Him, you experience the attributes of Him.
Joy
Righteousness
Peace

It's about being obedient because He was to the Father.
No matter how much you don't feel like it or how bad it hurts.
Obedience because salvation is about taking Jesus as LORD
as MASTER
Meaning you will follow, you will labor, and you will experience.
His commands aren't burdensome.
They are filled with Spirit and life.
It isn't working to earn a wage, it is a free gift offered.

Jesus in no way had to use people...
but that was the reason He came
to identify with sinners, in whom you may feel like the worst today
but He called tax collectors
fishermen
He used normal men to be apart of the water to wine miracle
but in the moment they weren't just normal men.

So today, we are not self defeatist
We are victors
We walk in the promise, a promise that has eternal value.
All things will pass away, but the word of God....
never.

Down in the valley or up on the hill, safe is safe with me, my dear.

Exodus 20:4-5

What a great opener to Gods speech to His people.
"For I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God"

For a people who knew nothing but slavery.
For a people dreaming of freedom.
For a people crying out for rescue( Ex 2:24)
For a people that felt helpless and hopeless.

Have you ever wanted to be wanted?
I'm sure you have, we are but human, but I'm talking about by people who actually use to want you?
Do you ever find yourself wishing someone would call you or text you to hang out?
That use to not be a problem of mine.
I use to be and am currently getting back to, being personal.
All I wanted to do was hang out and talk with people.
Never for my own glory or to advance my name, it was just who I was.
Until depression came and stripped me of my personality.
It was hard for me to keep friendships and grow with people because I was so burned out and apathetic that I really didn't care to try with people.
But thats another story.

I have a best friend named Samuel Bragg.
Hands down, best dude I've ever met.
Tall, strong, silent, smart, personable, loving, disciplined, sensitive, aware, steady etc.
This guy is a mountain. Legit.
He transfered to MS State
a year after me.
At NEMCC( community college) we were inseparable.
Every summer, every weekend.
Sam and Cam was known through the land.
Upon arrival to State I was so excited I introduced him to everyone I ever came in contact with.
So between me doing that and he meeting folks on his own you can only image such a man become a pop icon and the hottest item on campus.
The guy blew up.
Became one of the most popular sensations over night.
When you have a real heart for the Lord, it happens.
Thus, that ended up cutting back our time of hanging out.
I was hurt, devastated, because I'm sensitive and emotional.
I felt abandoned and ditched.
I felt unwanted.
With depression I felt I lost my only friend.

I often have moments where I would look around and realize I have no friends.
I went from someone who was invited to every hang out ever, to on weekends sitting at home writing songs.

Another similar cause happened with a old mentor of mine.
I use to fight for his approval.
I was striving to be a man of God and I wanted so bad for him to notice.
I wanted to be just like him, because this guy is a rock, I mean he knows his stuff, he is solid.
He always knows the right things to say... I'm pretty convinced God tells him the secrets of life!
We use to chat alot but that got reduced because life happens.
But I felt after awhile when we wouldn't talk or catch up that I wore him out from always needing him to help me in life.
I was very self reliant on him, after all, he was the first person to come along and teach me what a man of God looks like and lives like.

So, how did I get to all of this?
Jealousy. Envy.
Last night, I went to my mentors church ( see I told you the guy knows everything)
He spoke on jealousy and envy.
Its an ugly sin.
Its saying " Hey God, you owe me."

From recovering with depression I see that this has been a problem of mine.
As I recover I keep praying God, give me my personality back, help me to love people again. I want to be comfortable talking to everyone.
Cause sometimes I'm not.
I was demanding God to give me something I thought was mine.
When it was Him that gave it to me in the first place!

I wanted to be wanted!
I wanted someone to love me and to care for me.

And its in Ex 20:4-5 I see it so clear.
The lord God is my God and is jealous!!
He wants my attention, he wants my focus, my heart, and my love.
Just like I was wanting approval and to be wanted by my friend and mentor.
In which everything is actually fine and dandy, life just gets busy sometimes.

When all along, I was wanted.
And God was wanting to give me what I wanted from others, and was wanting what I wanted.
do you see that!
God is sensitive to our needs.

Here is my post to let y'all know I'm still alive.

Be encouraged.
And simply know, You Are Wanted

On every page.

In the Christian community we are pretty keen on not showing our dark moments.

 It seems its the beer photos that you took with your employees on a nightly outing or maybe that big ole cigar you smoked with your closest friends to ponder your daily reads of Gods word that gets a big no no on being posted to facebook isn't to be posted or know by others.

 We are afraid that "lost" people will see them.
 Afraid that the Christian community will set fires until we know how guilty we should be for this .. "dark" moment.

 Me? I don't mind so much of sharing.... The way I see it, for of us that are a part of the body, trying to reach someone who doesn't really care much about Jesus, it's these "dark" or maybe "secretive" sins we should be most open about?

 There is a healthiness to not word vomit on people, as in not sharing to much information that hurts instead of helps. Guarding your heart while honestly sharing it.

 I have struggled with depression for 2 and a half years. I clearly remember days feeling like I hate people, rebellous thoughts against God, and thoughts of what if I ended my life, was very present. It was because I had un-repented sin and no healthiness, or stillness... peace to my walk with God. I went on an exodus.

 In Exodus, these certain people group are rescued by God.
For a while things were pretty good, then they begin to forget just who He is and what He did.

 I find this pattern in most Christians lives.

 If we are all honest we all have that habit or hang up, not making us any less loved by God or worse than anyone ... because once again if we were all honest with ourselves... we should point fingers at ourselves, instead of talking about others.

Anywho.
Exodus.
Yes.
 On my journey, I am currently learning God is good and kind.
 There is a big difference in knowing in your head and knowing in your Spirit.
 Trust me... I know.
 I'm learning how to be still.
To meditate on small truths that are so strong.
 To receive from Him and give out of His abundance.
My friend Pj Beaver told me " The simple things are the strongest things."
Not love out of my ....well... none abundance.

 I'm learning joy is real.
 Truth is solid.
 Satan hates me.
And God loves me.

 Eph 2 is one of THOSE passages.
You know the kind of words that move you?
 Paul is writing a letter to these folk and in chapter 2 expresses God's grace is a gift that can' be earned, no matter how much you work. He also tells these gentile Christians that they are now one in the body of Christ. That the jewish leaders and them are of one body, the body of Christ. That they are a workmanship of Christ Jesus from the beginning.

 How wonderful.
 Now, these jewish leaders have quiet the history of being flashy with there knowledge and arrogance of being Gods chosen people.
 I can't imagine being a gentile and hearing everyday from these "perfect" people who knew the old testament back and forth and how loved and special they are because they are Gods people.. how the gentiles must of felt?
Sad?
Depressed? Frustrated?
 but Paul reminds them that they are important too.

 Hmmm I am important to God as well.
And you are also.
Did you know that?
 That is the thing that defeats depression.
Knowing you have self worth in Christ.
He cares and the truth of the word is more powerful than anyyyy twisted thought in our mind.

 whew
Writing this I was going in a different direction.
 The coffee from earlier has been worn off and after teaching tonight my mind is gone. I just felt like writing.
 Due to this sudden crash I will leave with this and hope the words above made sense.

 " God is faithful, through whom you were called into fellowship with His Son, Jesus Christ our Lord." 1 Cor 1:9

 Goodnight.

By and by

It's prayers like "God, don't let me end up in hell because I thought I knew you."
or " God, help me to love people today...because what use to come so natural ....doesn't come at all anymore." Its these thoughts that scare me most about myself. Its these thoughts that make things like healing ... growing..... finding peace.... and trusting God seem very impossible to ever recover again. Its these thoughts that makes a calling a question. From a knowing that one day I would lead a church....to I'm not sure if I should teach ever again. not because Cameron Moore is special by any means.... but because the God he loves and cares so deeply about and more importantly the Cameron that is cared for and is so special to God, wanted to pour out the joy, peace, patience, kindness, and love of Christ because he was so full. I sat through a church meeting today and thought, " what would have I thought, felt, and expressed two years ago before depression destroyed... un-repentance destroyed .. myself destroyed who I was." I use to never be angry, bitter, sad, or struggled with communication skills.... did I put to much confidence in my abilities to teach and lead? Surely not... I never once loved people, or reached people to be more liked by people. I never did it for popularity... I never sought to build my kingdom.... but I never once.... relied on the grace and strength of Christ to continue giving me the guidance and mercies I needed to continue. Maybe it was my lack of knowledge on how to pray and be alone with God. I never once learned to be still and know He was God.. but rather to stay active and love as many people as possible. Could it be that I spent most of my life and doing ministry helping others build a relationship with Jesus Christ that I completely over looked mine? Sure I did. Because loving myself, was never a priority. I often think... how will I ever love people again? It must start with loving Christ. Respecting myself enough and loving myself enough to read, seek, and be still to find this God I once taught. In my head, no one feels this way. People try to relate, but their words just fuel your flame of bitterness. I write to not open up my business to everyone.. but if I can write this and encourage one pastor, youth pastor, worship leader, or any son or daughter of Christ pondering if there will be a day where they find true rest in Christ, then it accomplished its goal. But I fear to tell you, that day may never come. Resting in God may come as we know His grace is sufficient for us in our suffering. That working all things together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose may mean that you fully understand what it means to rely on Him and trust, day by day, minute by minute, you are secure, loved, cared for, justified, by His grace, that it is all by Him and nothing you do. Then we see reading the bible isn't something we make ourselves feel good about. It is to know Him more. To know who He is. To lift Him up. Its knowing this that passages like the following becomes so clear: " As Moses lifted up the serpent in the wilderness, even so must the Son of Man be lifted up;"John3:14 John 8 also says the same things. Jesus says we will die in our sins unless we believe. Dying comes in different ways that I will not elaborate. But its the focus off our hurt and unto His healing that will save us. I have to believe for you and me both, that this Jesus died for moments like this. That He rose for moments like this. To show victory happens after death. Maybe you are still on the cross.. maybe in the grave.. but maybe, just maybe, for you and I both... the resurrection is coming. We then are completely new. New thoughts. New feeling. A real understanding of who He is and just who we are in Him. I pray for peace over you reader. Grace to be shown to you and you show it to the brother or sister who needs it today. Survive trust believe and look to the healer. Walk in Him. Crawl. Or be still. But stay close despite your distance. have a kind day.

I've spent to much time knowing, but never knowing.

I get "it."
It's clear to me now.
but while it's still clear I'm still unsure... how could I and a whole body miss "it" ?

It's clear to me after the death of Jesus the disciples that decided to walk back to their hometown must have missed what His life was really about.
Its a reality check and scary to realize that they spent their lives devoted to this man who was spoken about through the prophets, that He is the one they have been waiting for and once here they missed the purpose of why He came.
They spent a few years in scripture, devoted, in community, and missed what Jesus was about.
They missed Jesus.

Have I?
Have you?
Has everyone?

I fear it may be true.

I often say.... and I mean often that the christian community sucks at showing grace to people.
I have a past that carries weight.
One that people seem to find escaping their lips when passing on my name.
Why so?
Wouldn't we as a body, if we truly understood why He came and what He taught pass along a kind word?
Wouldn't when we speak of our christian brothers and sisters pass along the name of Jesus when speaking to someone else?
After all... after we are changed by Christ we are clothed with Him .. and adopted into His family.
We take on the name son.
Not hypocrite.
Not whore.
Not liar.
Not depressed.
Not fat.
not ugly.
But son.
for whoever it is that has experienced other names, your name, when called by Christ, confessing with your mouth and believing in your heart and saved by Christ have a new name.
Its nothing you've done.
He just renamed you.
Luckley .. your new name is ..new.
New.
Hi new.
Son.
Hi son.

Then , because of this new name we receive it then abuse it.
I have.
You have.
Judge someone.
Become bitter toward someone and then make claims how you are right..
but I recall if you live by the sword you will die by the sword... and that is not peace.
Nor grace.
It is abuse.
All under the name of new, son.

I don't carry depression, I do not carry failed relationships. I do not carry sexual sins, I do not carry lies. I do not carry the eyes of my brothers and sisters with their stones in their hands.
I carry, the name of Jesus.
It is my name.
It is, hopefully, your name as well.
When His name looks nothing like our life, I often wondered if we've been miss-labeled
but Jesus doesn't miss label His people.

So where are you?
I ask that as in your heart.
Yes, this is a call to check yourself.

I check myself often and realize I've started a terrible fire producing many mistakes, but I honestly own them, I go honestly before REAL friends, Real grace carrying sons called new and find healing in His rest.

Its that.
In Him.

Lets not stray to far from the point because here it is.
If we really knew Jesus, don't you thinking letting go would be easy?
The bitterness, hurt, sadness, doubt, etc.
If we really grasped who He was.
I fear, like these disciples, I may have spent much of my time knowing Jesus, but never knowing Jesus.

You may know Him as lord, but never as lover
maybe always as lover, but never as lord.

I'm learning, I'm growing, I'm letting go.
And...
I'm finding.

It is all about Jesus.
And that comes with a thousand other things to figure out.


Dear body,
Lets not live un gaceful to anyone. Everything is different when your not the one throwing stones, but having them thrown at you. Forgive, forget, repent, move on, and grow together.




I say none of these things because I have them figured out.
I just want to figure them out with you.

22 is a lot different than 21

22 for me is going to be different than 21.
I've always held really close to 2 Corinthians5:17-18
here's what it says and why.
"Therefore, if ANYONE is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has PASSED away; behold, the NEW has come."
"All this is from God, who through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation"

I am in Christ.
First met Christ when I was 13 and have never stopped getting to know Him.
Its been the best years of dating I've ever had and can't wait till the wedding day.
So, because I'm in Christ, I am new.
New today.
I don't have to wait till 2013 to start fresh, but rather I start fresh today.
22.
new.
fresh.
Also, I like when it says the old has passed away.
That means its gone.
It is gone.
I do not have to live in my regret, shame, depression, and hurt.
I believe because of the lifestyle I have lived that I have many regrets.
One of them being that I didn't stay in louisiana and love my kids better.
They were a wonderful group of kids, but I shut down.
I grew... apathetic, I grew depressed.. and lost all my love for people.
Its a weird feeling going from loving every stranger and enemy I met or knew, to really not caring if I deal with either anymore..
but there is a community/relational spirit that lives inside of me and its longing to love again..
its just that for so long I had my order mixed up on whom I loved first...

I first loved people
then God
then myself.

When really according to Luke 10:27-28( I'll leave it up to you to read)
I first love God
myself
then my neighbor
and If I do these... I will live.
Until then, I will not be able to love, care, or cater to the relationships around me.

The other part of the verse I like is that it is a gift from God.
On my birthday.
What a wonderful gift and Lord willing, I'll have the same gift tomorrow.
Everyday, ..........newness.
I figured Jesus knew we would need a lot of re do's.
That some would need to wander His grace, swim in it more than others.
I feel you see some people and they just have it together, while others, like myself, must learn from mistakes and messing up.....alot.
What a wonderful gift from Christ, that He would be at me continual to wash( which takes along time, thank about how long it takes you) not a fast fix, but rather He walks with us, works with us, and we become new.
Sanctified
Theres you a fancy term.

I have burned some bridges.
Some relationships I straight lit on fire.
I am not proud of this.
Its one of those things in your alone time that cover your mind.
Especially with a guy that lives in my apartment complex.
He is such an amazing guy, but due to my own hurt and wounded-ness I cared little to cultivate our relationship and just let it go.

You see, I lived most of my life for the approval of people..
now it seems I live to push them away and not care
I need to find a new ground.
I believe we all do.

John the baptist is one of my favorite bible characters.
When asked if he was Jesus, he replied honestly.
He could have claimed to be the very person everyone wanted, he could have taken on the identity of the most famous person
but instead, he said, I am a voice of one crying.... I'm not worthy to touch his sandal ...

I never claimed to be Jesus.
I never claimed to be perfect or to have it all together
I just always wanted to admit to my failures and then from there try to be like Jesus.

You see, even though this is very sad, in the christian community, we(because I belong) are some of THE most judgmental, quick to point out wrong, before evaluating themselves type folks.
Yes, you are, own it.
My new favorite thing said about me is I'm a hypocrite.
Why yes, I am thank you.
But, at least I am not afraid to own my failures in the light while others hide theirs in the dark.
I do not write this with a big head or better than you tone, I simply write it as, in the christian community, we can do a lot better than this.

I believe when your brother is wrong, you help them.
Be quick to listen, read this again, listen... stop trying to fix the problem that you have yet to hear.
Don't push the word of God on them when you have yet to understand what verse they need or maybe instead a prayer.

Now this blog just sounds like a rant, be careful, it is not.

Can you relate?
is this your life?
Have you struggled with these things?
Are you beginning to overcome?
if so, how?

Feel free to share verses, maybe hold on the thoughts... less christian bs and arguing I have to read the better.
Maybe honest comments. Is this where you are now?
It is open for conversation.

I have yet to fully heal from the years past.
I do know Phil 1:6
He will finish the good work that is started in me.
Romans 8:28, He has good for you.
Psalm 25:10, all the paths of the Lord are lovingkindness and truth.... finish reading that one.

In this times may we not doubt Gods goodness, but look to see what is the point of why we are going through these times.
There is something to learn..

I long to be a pastor.
I dont want to be the most popular...
just the most God fearing, loving, relational one.


Also, be thankful
1 Thes 5: 16-18
That tends to get over looked.

I believe 22 will be alot different than 21 because of this lyrics my friend wrote and has been weighing heavy on my mind
Holy Spirit You are near
Holy Spirit You are welcomed here.

I once heard a friend tell me that every day he invites the Spirit to be apart of his day.
how beautiful.

This is where the healing begins.

Oh no no no Oh no

I don't claim the identity of Christian or Christ follower to be anything else.
If reading my bible is a responsibility then I'd rather pray and never open my eyes again.
I would never want to be the heart behind the saying " its our duty."
No
It is our delight.
I refuse it to be anything else.
Loving people is a gift from a bigger gift.
Christ is a big gift.
Life is a gift.
And death is natural.
I hope in my time here I can understand what it means to love and be loved by Jesus.
I hope to understand grace.
I hope to fully experience it, even with the emotions.
I hate when people opt those out.
I believe emotions come from God.
Jesus expressed them well, so don't tell me its not emotional.

I don't understand the cross.... or the good news.. gospel..
but from what I do, I know I need it and so do you and everyone else.

I won't claim to be a Christian of Christ follower and not try to look like Him.
Even in my grey days, sad days, in apathy, I'm still connected.
I do not want to know Him, I know Him.
I don't want to love Him, I love Him.

Alot of Christians always say, I need to know God, I need to love God.
Do it, live it , be it.
I hate that we don't treat this as who we are.
Stop separating it so much.
Be who you are, hopefully its like Jesus.

Turn me into someone else, someone more like Yourself.
Thats what really we need.
Belief that He cares to be connected to us and we don't have to live like He is something separate than us.
He is apart of me.
and you too.