22 is a lot different than 21

22 for me is going to be different than 21.
I've always held really close to 2 Corinthians5:17-18
here's what it says and why.
"Therefore, if ANYONE is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has PASSED away; behold, the NEW has come."
"All this is from God, who through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation"

I am in Christ.
First met Christ when I was 13 and have never stopped getting to know Him.
Its been the best years of dating I've ever had and can't wait till the wedding day.
So, because I'm in Christ, I am new.
New today.
I don't have to wait till 2013 to start fresh, but rather I start fresh today.
22.
new.
fresh.
Also, I like when it says the old has passed away.
That means its gone.
It is gone.
I do not have to live in my regret, shame, depression, and hurt.
I believe because of the lifestyle I have lived that I have many regrets.
One of them being that I didn't stay in louisiana and love my kids better.
They were a wonderful group of kids, but I shut down.
I grew... apathetic, I grew depressed.. and lost all my love for people.
Its a weird feeling going from loving every stranger and enemy I met or knew, to really not caring if I deal with either anymore..
but there is a community/relational spirit that lives inside of me and its longing to love again..
its just that for so long I had my order mixed up on whom I loved first...

I first loved people
then God
then myself.

When really according to Luke 10:27-28( I'll leave it up to you to read)
I first love God
myself
then my neighbor
and If I do these... I will live.
Until then, I will not be able to love, care, or cater to the relationships around me.

The other part of the verse I like is that it is a gift from God.
On my birthday.
What a wonderful gift and Lord willing, I'll have the same gift tomorrow.
Everyday, ..........newness.
I figured Jesus knew we would need a lot of re do's.
That some would need to wander His grace, swim in it more than others.
I feel you see some people and they just have it together, while others, like myself, must learn from mistakes and messing up.....alot.
What a wonderful gift from Christ, that He would be at me continual to wash( which takes along time, thank about how long it takes you) not a fast fix, but rather He walks with us, works with us, and we become new.
Sanctified
Theres you a fancy term.

I have burned some bridges.
Some relationships I straight lit on fire.
I am not proud of this.
Its one of those things in your alone time that cover your mind.
Especially with a guy that lives in my apartment complex.
He is such an amazing guy, but due to my own hurt and wounded-ness I cared little to cultivate our relationship and just let it go.

You see, I lived most of my life for the approval of people..
now it seems I live to push them away and not care
I need to find a new ground.
I believe we all do.

John the baptist is one of my favorite bible characters.
When asked if he was Jesus, he replied honestly.
He could have claimed to be the very person everyone wanted, he could have taken on the identity of the most famous person
but instead, he said, I am a voice of one crying.... I'm not worthy to touch his sandal ...

I never claimed to be Jesus.
I never claimed to be perfect or to have it all together
I just always wanted to admit to my failures and then from there try to be like Jesus.

You see, even though this is very sad, in the christian community, we(because I belong) are some of THE most judgmental, quick to point out wrong, before evaluating themselves type folks.
Yes, you are, own it.
My new favorite thing said about me is I'm a hypocrite.
Why yes, I am thank you.
But, at least I am not afraid to own my failures in the light while others hide theirs in the dark.
I do not write this with a big head or better than you tone, I simply write it as, in the christian community, we can do a lot better than this.

I believe when your brother is wrong, you help them.
Be quick to listen, read this again, listen... stop trying to fix the problem that you have yet to hear.
Don't push the word of God on them when you have yet to understand what verse they need or maybe instead a prayer.

Now this blog just sounds like a rant, be careful, it is not.

Can you relate?
is this your life?
Have you struggled with these things?
Are you beginning to overcome?
if so, how?

Feel free to share verses, maybe hold on the thoughts... less christian bs and arguing I have to read the better.
Maybe honest comments. Is this where you are now?
It is open for conversation.

I have yet to fully heal from the years past.
I do know Phil 1:6
He will finish the good work that is started in me.
Romans 8:28, He has good for you.
Psalm 25:10, all the paths of the Lord are lovingkindness and truth.... finish reading that one.

In this times may we not doubt Gods goodness, but look to see what is the point of why we are going through these times.
There is something to learn..

I long to be a pastor.
I dont want to be the most popular...
just the most God fearing, loving, relational one.


Also, be thankful
1 Thes 5: 16-18
That tends to get over looked.

I believe 22 will be alot different than 21 because of this lyrics my friend wrote and has been weighing heavy on my mind
Holy Spirit You are near
Holy Spirit You are welcomed here.

I once heard a friend tell me that every day he invites the Spirit to be apart of his day.
how beautiful.

This is where the healing begins.

Oh no no no Oh no

I don't claim the identity of Christian or Christ follower to be anything else.
If reading my bible is a responsibility then I'd rather pray and never open my eyes again.
I would never want to be the heart behind the saying " its our duty."
No
It is our delight.
I refuse it to be anything else.
Loving people is a gift from a bigger gift.
Christ is a big gift.
Life is a gift.
And death is natural.
I hope in my time here I can understand what it means to love and be loved by Jesus.
I hope to understand grace.
I hope to fully experience it, even with the emotions.
I hate when people opt those out.
I believe emotions come from God.
Jesus expressed them well, so don't tell me its not emotional.

I don't understand the cross.... or the good news.. gospel..
but from what I do, I know I need it and so do you and everyone else.

I won't claim to be a Christian of Christ follower and not try to look like Him.
Even in my grey days, sad days, in apathy, I'm still connected.
I do not want to know Him, I know Him.
I don't want to love Him, I love Him.

Alot of Christians always say, I need to know God, I need to love God.
Do it, live it , be it.
I hate that we don't treat this as who we are.
Stop separating it so much.
Be who you are, hopefully its like Jesus.

Turn me into someone else, someone more like Yourself.
Thats what really we need.
Belief that He cares to be connected to us and we don't have to live like He is something separate than us.
He is apart of me.
and you too.

Whatever it takes, I give it all away..

Sometimes its hard to discern how much to share or not share with the community of people that may or may not view this blog.
Being transparent and fully honest doesn't get the best re-views anymore.
But for the sake of that one who is struggling, gritting their teeth to pull through, this perhaps is for you.

Depression stricken(struck with) for 2 and a half years, an at the age of 21 seeking and receiving the proper help is what needed to happen.
I've been going to counseling.
Yup.
And its not for crazy people.
What a false assumption or assertion about counseling.
It really helps to un-tangle wires that have intwined that need to be sorted out.
You see, as people, we sometimes get our feelings hurt, make a big mistake, or small one and leads to lasting affects or effects on our lives.
For instance, giving your body to someone else.
Sex is an emotional, spiritual, and psychical thing that ties 1 to 1, and then when the relationship doesn't last they are torn apart. And I personally don't know of anything that is still good after ripping apart.

We all need help.
Yes, even you.
You need help.
Its okay to say that.
Its okay to accept that.

I have found often that close friendships, people throwing verses at you, or trying to conveince yourself your okay is not merely enough to overcome depression, apathy, or sadness.

But what does help is memorizing Gods truth, which is the bible.
John 17:17
look at that.

When we start to hide His word and truth in our hearts we become better sustained.
For example:
All the paths of the Lord are lovingkindess and truth to those who keep His covenant and His testimonies. Psalm25:10

By memorizing this verse I see that All ways of the Lord are good!!!
That if I just believe and trust I will walk in His goodness.


I'm tired of writing.
ponder that
have a great day!

you are not alone in this.

Sinking like a stone in the sea.

I should have saw it coming.
Opinions upon opinions, philosophies and shared faith
what does it mean to development a "personal faith" these days?

I've never liked the term "personal faith."
The term personal means, according to the American Webster dictionary,-of affecting, or belonging to a particular person rather than to anyone else.
I won't use a bible verse for this because I feel the whole bible references good community.
That we lived with a shared faith.
Person to person.
An open faith of looking at the word together and sharing what the Lord has placed on their heart.

I feel there is a move in the Christian community that is beautiful but can be harming if not done properly.
Discipleship.
A very beautiful way of sharing faith that Jesus practiced everyday!
I'm so happy to see this taking place here on MSU campus!
All throughout the bakery bibles are open, coffee is hot, and people are sharing what they are learning.
Even I have the great honor of studying the word with a great friend of mine who is farther along in the faith.
But one thing he would never want me to do I feel, is to believe what he believes just because he shared it with me.

In studying the word, even with much studying, opinions are hard to shake.
Since we are interpreting something written so long ago we have lost the context of what it really meant then.

And sometimes its okay to disagree on what it means.
The guy I meet with I feel would much rather me read it to believe it for myself than for him just telling me.

In the Christian community there are many different opinions on dating, boys and girls talking about Christ together, and etc.
And sometimes we take on someone else's thoughts and believe what they believe and become a " boy hater" or " girl avoider"
We start to feel like talking about the bible with the opposite sex is bad, in which no one, with any bible verse, can back, because to my knowledge there is no such thing.

So in that moment you then aren't becoming like Jesus(rom8:29, 1john2:6) but rather like the person you study with and where is that Biblical?

I know Paul says, take after me. but I believe he meant in his lifestyle of sharing the word.

I want to encourage you to become like Jesus.
Study the word for yourself.
See what it means to you.
Join a healthy community of believers.
Share thoughts opinions etc
and pray to see the outcome of how it shapes you.

have a great day.

also, I never re read these to fix mess ups or mis spelled words, if something don't make since, try to figure it out.

:)

Seclusion: I only read the bible alone.

Last night someone was told that reading the bible was dangerous.
I want to clear that up and maybe shine light on another topic as well...

Yes, it is very dangerous to read the bible.
Hebrews 4:12, Eph 6:17 compares the word of God to a sword cutting deep into our soul, even dividing soul.
When you read the Truth of Jesus, you will start to change and re-think how you live your life.
The bible isn't rules... I hate when that analogy is even used or a play book.
How lame.
It is a way to do life.
Not strategize it or work it into plays
it is simply, this is the way to live life.
I don't really feel the need to drag that point out.
I once heard a wonderful quote, " read what only you can obey"
Ponder that.

Also another very sad epidemic is that Christians read their bible to much alone.
Is that possible? Yup.

We were made in the imagine of a community God.
A very relational Spirit.
And a very loving Jesus.

Look at the letters to the churches.
Paul didn't just send it off and say " hey, get this letter, read it alone, and don't share."

I think about the characteristics of a letter.
First it starts with a thought in someones mind
then pen to paper
then to the readers eyes and then into their mind
Letters are meant for sharing.

2 Cor 3:3
" Since it is plain that you are Christ's letter, produced by us, not written with ink but with the Spirit of the living God; not on stone tabelts but on tablets of that are hearts of flesh."

We live what we learn.
or, we are suppose to anyways.

Your faith is personal yes, but never meant to neglect community.
Stop spending all your time hiding away to read your bible and not building relationships.
Share anything you read.
disagree?
Lets look at Jesus, the very man whom we shape our life like.
He escapes to be alone to pray- John6:15
He comes back to hang out- Flip through the book of Luke.

Don't neglect relationships with people to be alone all the time with your bible.
Hang out with anyone, everyone.
Not forgetting what you read alone should be shared as well.

Short posts. Rambling thoughts.
have a great day!!

Make me more.

It's been a long unique journey to finally say, the older I get the less worried I am about what I will do with my life.
The reason behind that is, because the older I get, the more I realize how much more I want to know Christ.
And after a 2 year absence period, I grow to be thankful for it.
That 2 years of struggling with depression, apathy, general lack of not caring, anger, hurt, and emotional ups and downs I come to recognize my need of more of Him, not the need of more ministry.
Because the more you grow in Christ it will just happen, its our response.
I talked to the pastor of the church that I work at today and told him about me leaving the church. That I should chill out from being a youth pastor and kind of " find" myself again.
I think now is the time for me to find Christ again more and more.
Because in Him lye hidden all the things I want.
Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, and self control.

I want to be driven in a whole new way.
I want to forget the past, not in the since of not learning from it, but learn and move on.
All good, bad, and okay things I've done.
I don't want to be remembered for any of it, but rather be remembered and talked of because of my love for Christ.
And from that love people in a refreshed, new, right way.
I use to share my opinions alot.
You know the cool hot topics of election, drinking, etc.
Instead now I want to follow through with scripture.
Not saying I want to master faith but rather be mastered by Christ.

One important lesson a friend of mine taught me along with Luke 6-9 is that faith takes time to grow.
Even the disciples after eye witnesses to who Jesus was wavered in their faith.
When the storm came, they wavered.
When 5,000 people came hungry, they wanted them to go away, they wavered.
Then Jesus ask, " Who do you say I am?"
I figured Jesus thought they would know by now seeing how He has spent all of His time pouring into these men.
The only one answered.......
Was it because Peter was the only one after all this time understood who Christ was?
I like how a centurion man was named to have the best faith in all the land.
And he was someone who spent no time with Jesus......

It tells me, even after years of walking with Christ, after seeing eye witness accounts to His goodness, that it takes time to grow.
Even the story of John the Baptist asking Jesus if He was the real one or should He wait for someone else.
Even John, the man born to tell only of Christ and proclaim Him had his moments.

You as well will have moments.

I learned in these "times" to not be hard hearted and turn away but to simply ....
continue.
There is a purpose. And we will always be seeing from our perspective, Lord willing, for me, that will change but for the most part we only see our angle on things and in that angle we won't see much.

I don't want to fall in love with Jesus, I want to live in love with Jesus, grow in it.
Falling can go in or out, I'd rather just stay in the constancy of things.
And as I draw near and you draw near to Christ, the worries of less important things decrease.
Such as popularity, future items, etc.

Stop praying for more " things" or more joy or peace or etc.
and just ask for more Jesus.
Its all about Jesus.

Everything is about Him.
Love Him, treasure Him, walk with Him, and experience life with Him.

Stay in the truth and let it set you free.
Remember the gospel.
Remember Jesus.

Merry Christmas.

I would like to know.

This is a poem I wrote after watching videos about sex trafficing.
It has some words in it you may not feel is appropriate but its truthful and honest.
I hope it encourages you some.


Jesus, I am a brothel.
Not a living sanctuary where people can find more of You
but a dwelling of hurt, hate, anger, and wrong disposition of You.
I want to long for truth.
Be a man that’s after You.
Not just another one who confesses and turns
with his dick in his hand longing to lust after youth and burn
with a temporary passion that will run away
and take me somewhere I don’t need to be.
Far away from You, filled with apathy.
I want to lay in green pastures
I want to find the well spring of life flowing through You
flowing in me too.
I want to see life the way that You do
loving my neighbor the way You taught me too
I want to produce fruits from the Spirit
I want to walk hand in hand in a peaceful land where the cool of the day and the light on my face shines a way straight to the Fathers throne where I can sing and dance at all the good He has done.
I want to be a REAL MAN
one who pursues purity and righteousness
who memorizes the word of Truth for Your word is truth
so I won’t sin against You.
I want to hate sin as much as You do for it does no good
only separates me from You.
I want to be lead by the Spirit
teach Your name to the masses
Trust in you even when there isn;t havoc’s
Lead a family one day and they be know as addicts for Your love in their veins
not prodigal son run aways
I want to be a friend who is always there, lifting up support on my knees in prayers
I want to fully trust and have faith
to look not at your hands but on Your face
knowing You will provide.
Only by Your grace I am saved
its nothing that I did to earn my way
but only what happened that faithful day
when you embaced the world in the sweetest hug ..
Father most of all
I need less of me……

and more of You.
As I decrease
I become more like You.